A piece I wrote for UptownCollective.Com

Uptown Revisited

Shouts to Led, Leopold and T.S. (inside joke) aka Tony P.

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We are throwing a sidewalk art show in conjunction with the Sound of Art and our neighborhood one-stop clothing shop, Nostylgia.

Go check out the UptownCollective.Com when you get a chance and feel free to join us this Sunday.

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A few weeks ago, I went to a party at my friend Zaida’s house.

When I was on my way, I met my friend Luis at Pizza Palace on Post and Dyckman; also known as Johnny’s to long-time admirers.

When I got there, I told Luis I was buying a pie for the party. A pie at Johnny’s would cost us about $17-18.00 and we were already there so it was the easy way to go.

But no, I decided to make an assumption that as most of the people attending Zaida’s party lived West of Broadway (I hate saying that. I never grew up with divisions, but these real estate bozos have made it like this), I would be better off buying ‘Grandpa’s Pizza.’

My exact words: ‘Most of the people going there like Grandpa’s and go there more than Johnnie’s. So I’ll eat my slices here and they can have pizza from their Pizza God.’

Luis says: ‘I think it’s just easier to buy a Johnnie’s pie man.’

I went against his advice.

So we get to Grandpa’s Pizza and there is nobody waiting on line. There are people seated, but again, no one waiting in line.

1 minute

2 minutes

3 minutes

4 minutes

5.

After the fifth minute, when close to a line of six people formed we received a response.

Employee: ‘What do you want?’

*The guy obviously went to La Escuela of Customer Service*

Me: How much is a pie?

Employee: *looks around for like 2 minutes, asks people and no one has the answer* ‘$22.00?’

Me: *eyes widen* You said $22.00?

Employee: Yes 22.

Me: Luis, the same amount of slices at Johnny’s are $17-18.00 right?

Luis: Yep.

Me: Just give me the next smallest pie.

Employee: That’ll be 18.71 for the pie.

Me: The next smallest? Damn.

We then brought it upstairs to the party and everyone was eating all the other delicious food already there. So, the pizza sat there for a while. It became a bit ‘cold.’

Now, I believe that the true test of a slice is how it tastes when it’s not warm.

I grabbed a Grandpa’s slice maybe an hour after buying it, bit it, sneaked behind Zaida and threw it in the garbage.

Zaida goes: ‘You should have brought Johnny’s.’

Claudio: ‘I just thought everyone here would like this.’

Zaida: ‘If you gon’ buy it, I’d figure you’d want to like it too right?’

Claudio: ‘I just took one for the team’

That’s when her son passed by and I asked him if he’s ever been to Johnny’s and he said no.

I asked him what he thinks of Grandpa’s and he shrugged his shoulders.

His exact words: ‘They are kind of rude in there. They got mad at me once for asking them to correctly do my order when they were bumbling it around.’

Rude is an understatement.

Whenever anyone steps into Johnny’s, they feel the old and new Inwood. When people step into Grandpa’s, I, at least, feel the new Inwood, but not the old.

While this Inwood is lovely too, it can also be a bit rude and obnoxious.

When you go to a neighborhood spot, you want to feel like just that, a neighbor. You don’t want to feel like just another person. That’s what I’ve felt like when I’ve gone to Grandpa’s. Now, I have obviously seen people go in there and carry conversations, but they were few and far in between. It just didn’t feel as authentic as Johnny’s.

Johnny’s is a bare bones, no air conditioning, serve pizza, beef patties, and ziti spot. No other fancy Italian dishes. No fancy furnishings. No brick oven.

When you step in there, what you see is what you get.

Now, I’m not here to try to convince people over to Johnnie’s. Your taste buds are your taste buds. But I did take the time to objectively compare both spots.

Decor: Grandpa’s is much easier on the eye than Johnny’s. But, like I mentioned earlier, I prefer the classic, old style of Johnny’s.

Still, I’ll give GP’s the win.

Grandpa 1-0

Delivery: Grandpa’s delivers

While Johnny’s doesn’t deliver because they do triple the business of Grandpa’s even with lower prices, it still sucks that they don’t deliver.

GP 2-0

Affordability: Johnny’s

With the rise in wheat prices, it’s no shock to anyone that slices have reached downtown price points.

But Grandpa’s charges 2.75 for a slice. Johnny’s charges 2.25. That’s a difference. Four slices in a box will run you 11.00 at GP’s. At Johnny’s it will run you 9.00.

2-1 GP

Thickneess: Johnny’s

Their slices mirror the richness and thickness of the thighs of the women in our neighborhoods which I appreciate #YesIJustSaidThat

2-2 Tie

Healthiness: Grandpa’s

My friend Karla says Johnny’s is the ‘slice of death.’ She prefers the less greasy, smaller Grandpa slices. While healthy is the wrong word to use when talking pizza, I’ll just give GP the win.

3-2 GP

Customer Service: Johnny’s

This is not even close.

3-3 Tie

Juicyness:

This isn’t close either.

Biting into a Johnny’s slice makes me feel like one of the vampires on True Blood when he bites a human. It just gushes out and tastes great (not that I have bitten people or ever will).

Johnny’s 4-3

Popularity: Johnny’s by miles. When you have a Facebook page with people commenting from Greece to Colorado about your slices, your competition is rendered helpless. Currently, close to 3400 people like the Johnny’s pizzeria page.

5-3 Johnny’s

And the winner of the 1st ever Inwood Pizza Championship is *drumroll* Pizza Palace aka Johnny’s.

Recap:

In the end, you guys really decide who you like and don’t like. All I’m saying is if you never had a slice of Johnnie’s, take a walk over to the ‘East Side’ (I hate saying that too as if this part of town was as wide as Harlem to call something East) of Dyckman.

While this is about me being a staunch defender of Johnnie’s, it’s mostly about how people who have moved up here and have barely tried anything past Piper’s Kilt.

All I’m saying is that the best burgers may not be at Piper’s Kilt, they may be at Jimbo’s (Piper’s has the best though). The best Latin food may be Dyckman Express and not Nueva Espana. The best frio frio or pastelito lady may be on Nagle. The greatest milkshake man on earth is on Nagle and Arden. The best chinese food may be Panda House on Nagle and Ellwood and not U-Like on 207 and Broadway.

The root of all this is for people not to just know 3-4 blocks of a neighborhood, but get in touch with the whole n’hood.

The end…

I really want to cut my hair. I’ve wanted to cut it for awhile, but now the idea is really itching me.

I’m tired of perming my hair every three months; all these chemicals only to have damaged hair anyway!

I think my aunt gave me a perm when I was six in the Dominican Republic. I might have been 5 but nonetheless, I was too young to receive a perm in my hair.

My hair was really unmanageable – and my mom was always busy working and trying to take care of us – and my hair in itself was a job for her.

I went through a lot with this head of hair when I was younger.

I was the only girl in class who had three colitas (pigtails) in her hair. Picture day? My hair was not luxuriously blown out like the other little girls. I struggled a lot with my hair and still do so to this day.

I’ve permed my hair, colored my hair, tried different hair cuts, got bangs, put in extensions, mounded on pounds of gel; the list goes on.

But, I do take care of my hair a lot. I do my hair often; I do doobies before I go to bed and hardly use any products, but it still needs more work.

I have honestly run out of patience with it though.

I’m sick of perms!

My hair is mistreated and damaged; so what’s the point of taming my hair every three months with chemicals; for it to go back to its natural state in another three months and still be mistreated?

I have these moments where I want to grab a scissor and start cutting, but I’m so scared to do it. There are so many concerns that run through my head. A lot of people say that it’s just hair, but for me it isn’t.

Sadly, I equate hair with beauty.

And feeling less beautiful is what stops me from cutting it all off.

I want to let go of that mentality so I can cut my hair off. I really want to detach myself from my hair and from the thought that my hair is what makes me beautiful.

Someone I’ve known for a really long time wrote this.

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someone since you were real young and they see you on the street and act like they don’t know you? I mean, they look you in the face and then walk right by you.

I don’t understand.

I guess they must think they’re better than me. I’m not mad or anything, but saying hi doesn’t hurt. It’s not like I’m planning to interrogate you. I’ll just ask you how you’re doing and keep it moving.

But, at the end of the day, all of the people who have employed this method with me have done the same with many of my friends as well. If they think they are somehow better than me/us in whatever way, that’s fine. You guys are my friends on Facebook. Why? I don’t know. But from the looks of your bios and what I’ve heard about ya’ll…

I’ll stop there. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it.

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That’s my goal for the rest of the year.

The whole purpose of this exercise is to end the disease of procrastination that’s infected me.

So, whether it’s me pitching magazines, hittin’ my local paper with ideas, emailing someone to collabo, gettin the NYTimes to let me cover the n’hood, contacting someone to do an interview with, kicking game at a girl, getting a loan for my ticket business, applying for grad school (maybe), getting a permit for a local sports league, a loan for a potential cafe in the neighborhood or whatever it may be I will attempt to do it.

Shouts to ASA and Dan for the inspiration.

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Inwood from andrew short on Vimeo.

This was obviously shot during the early morning hours ’cause there’s no one outside. But for those who wanted a visual of my barrio, here it is.

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(you’ll understand why it’s titled this in a few)

For the past few months, I’ve been thinking of ways to really improve my ticket selling without having to do much work or spending too much dinero. One of the first things that came to mind was shorting events. If I shorted events, this would help keep me from having to be around a computer every time something went on sale.

What’s shorting?

It’s me listing tickets I don’t have but acting like I already do. I got tired of buying tickets and listing and waiting for them to sell. You know, sometimes these seats sit for months and the interest on your card either decreases your profit or adds to your losses. So, I decided to go with a no inventory model. I list these imaginary seats at inflated prices and hope people bite. In the past month, a lot of Trey Songz fans have bitten all across the country on my listings. Many would say that’s sneaky, but it’s not. It’s just me taking advantage of “uneducated consumers.”

Education is vital people.

So while shorting 30 to 40 events has almost gotten me kicked off of SHub when I couldn’t fulfill an order, ninety percent of the time, everything turns out as I expected. I usually list the last row of each section I’m selling and end up up upgrading each customer.

I win. They win. We all win.

But as I sacrificed buying seats in daily on-sales (which would increase the chances of me making or losing $), I decided I needed to try something different.

In my circle, none of my guy friends were really into the whole ticket business. Most of my friends are well-fed. If their ribs were showing, then maybe they would take me up on my offer. But their ribs are covered; though whenever they hear the word tickets; they would contact me but that didn’t happen often.

So I thought: “What else can I do?”

That’s where the title of this post comes into play.

I know a few “pretty girls.” I know a few who are interested in making a few bucks here and there. I also knew that with their looks, pulling off a sale would be easier than it would be for any guy. They would just bat their little eyes and voila. So, I experimented with one for about a month now and she landed me two sales. She collected the dinero, I bought the tickets and gave her her cut (when she brought me the money) and kept my piece of la pie.

The idea came about two months ago. I sat down and decided I was going to ask my friends who network if they would be interested in a business card. I would pay for 150-200 business cards for them (cost is like 5-10 bucks total) and every time they get a request, they would call me and we’d work something out. They would get a decent cut for their services. I figured there really wasn’t much to complain about. I wasn’t holding people to a sales quota. If you sold, you sold. If you didn’t, I more than likely made a mistake in giving them to you and am out $10.

So far its been interesting. It’s been like a real interview process except it’s just five minutes. It’s them weeding me out as I am doing them.

All in all, I’m about 2 for 7. I’ve talked to them briefly and saw that most of them weren’t cut out for the game. Oh well. I’m sure I’ll pick some regrets in the future. It’s just part of the process. But I smile when I think about the idea of having four or five that are consistent with their sales.

I just smile…

“The types of girls that help you generate revenue” L.E.P

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keep secrets from each other.

lie to each to other.

talk about each other to other friend’s.

find out stuff about you from other people you thought weren’t as close to your friend as you are/were.

find out stuff about you on Twitter or Facebook. Stuff that’s broadcasted to the world before it’s told to you personally.

drift apart.

compete against each other.

are sometimes jealous of one another.

think they know you, but barely do.

I’ve been guilty of some of these and I’m sure you have been to. As much as many of us would like to think we embody the word “friend,” I don’t think anyone really does.

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lived below 96th street with her measurements, 9 times out of 10, she wouldn’t even receive a look. If she lived above 96th street, she would receive a deep stare and “Daaaaam” from every guy walking up and down the street; probably the ladies too.

Thank God I like women that eat food.

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