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I used to…

November 2nd, 2009 · 8 Comments · Mi Vida

I used to allow whatever I wore to determine my self-esteem level.

I used to spend money I didn’t have (credit).

I used to dress up for the most casual occasions because I wanted to show people that I wasn’t your ‘stereotypical’ dark skin, baggy pants wearing male.

I used to lie to people about which college (say I went to Columbia or NYU) I went to when I visited my friend at Haverford.

I used to have more insecurities.

I used to despise Wahi, Inwood and anything associated with it.

I used to need people to validate me. I needed them to acknowledge what I did pre-2007.

I used to want to be the star of the show.

I used to think a life without a passion wasn’t a life at all.

I used to hate my skin color because of how people made me feel. Now, I feel like one of the sexiest men alive.

I used to be so egotistical that I thought one of my parents was jealous of my accomplishments.

I used to be scared to speak up.

I used to have an open heart.

I used to make love. Now, I have sex.

I used to believe the stereotypes TV portrayed about Black women.

I used to lie to make my story more interesting.

I used to be selfish and not help my parents when they were in need.

I used to care about Blacks or Latinos accepting me.

I used to not believe in God.

I used to dream.

I used to give a f**k…

I really don’t anymore.

For better or worse, not only has my life changed, but I have…

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8 responses right now ↓

  • 1 Goddess Intellect // Nov 2, 2009 at 10:57 am

    I sense transition….
    “I used to dress up for the most casual occasions because I wanted to show people that I wasn’t your ’stereotypical’ dark skin, baggy pants wearing male.”

    Oh gawd this was me, but it was really because I love fashion and couldnt comprehend the tomboyish look that dominated the late 90s…ppl used to criticize me for over dressing.
    This was an interesting post, learned more about you.

  • 2 ADMIN // Nov 2, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Thanks a lot for the comment girl. We are forever changing.

  • 3 lolitapop9 // Nov 3, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    I’m curious as to how you would complete the “Now, I___” sentence on the 20 out of 22 points above in which it was omitted. Very curious.

  • 4 admin // Nov 3, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    Lolitapop -

    You know what’s funny…I think that’s my next post. The ones I answered with a “Now, I” were so easy.

    The other ones really aren’t. Takes a lot more time to sit down and really explain and be honest.

  • 5 lolitapop9 // Nov 3, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    That’s a post I’m looking forward to at least as much as this one. I knew that you would agree that answering the “now” question would be challenging, but I hope you will anyway: To a curious lector like myself, some of the statements you make above – and I won’t specify which – can be interpreted quite ominously, if you read between their lines.

  • 6 admin // Nov 3, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    Absolutely agree.

    It could be misinterpreted and viewed ominously. Without a doubt. That’s why I will write a follow up piece for sure.

    Thank for the comment.

  • 7 ChokLitFactory // Nov 15, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    *I used to think a life without a passion wasn’t a life at all.

    Just wondering, do you no longer believe this? Because I would say I do believe this now to a certain extent.

  • 8 admin // Nov 15, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    Choklit -

    I’ve come to the realization that some of your passions may be unattainable (as crazy as that sounds). So, if you can have a steady job you enjoy through life and do side projects that you enjoy, I think life can be close, but not as satisfying if she had one central passion.

    Do you understand?

    For example, as crazy as it sounds, bball was my passion. I never found anything I can love like that. Now, that its obvious I’m not making the NBA (Lol), I look at writing, etc as things I can make projects out of and gain satisfaction while having a steady, solid job.

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