It was only a few months ago, when I was in the barber shop I regularly attend and walked into a conversation where a middle aged man and a few younger ones said they had no problem hitting a woman.
‘Si me encojona, le voy das si estoy en mala,’ said a few of them (If she pisses me off, I will hit her if I’m in a bad mood).
One man even said he beat his woman because of her refusal to straighten her hair and just keep it curly. And that touches on the whole hair issue, African roots rejection issue, etc that encompasses our culture as a whole on both sides.
The domestic violence conversation continued and I just listened. I didn’t speak. Kind of in shock even though I knew it was prevalent in the community. Four out of the 12 men at the barbershop ‘openly’ said they hit their women ‘if necessary.’ The other 8 were kind of tripped out by the openness of some of these individuals to admit this.
Close to a week after this, I was with my friends after leaving a club and saw a couple fighting on Nagle and Dyckman around 4am. The young man and woman were in a cab and an argument erupted. Next thing you know, they both got out the cab and the guy threw a kick at the girl knocking her down. The cab driver had to break it up. Sadly, in the end, the woman got back in the cab with the man and they drove off.
The next day, I began doing tons of research on this issue. I stumbled upon an older article in the Times focusing on this issue titled: ‘Beauty Salons take on Domestic Abuse.‘ It focused on domestic violence groups formed in salons that serve as a forum for these issues to be discussed. I was extremely happy to see that groups were being formed amongst our own to combat this problem.
But, with groups such as these, is there really a way you can effectively measure their success? Women can come to these weekly meetings and preach that they’ve called the cops or left abusive husbands. But that’s the story they tell in these meetings. No one knows what really goes on behind closed doors.
Now the last thing I’m here to do is criticize those networks. They are much needed in our community. But what I would like to know is what methods these networks employ? Offering video and picture evidence of women beaten and killed can change a woman immediately. Having weekly discussions about it can have an impact. But has that proven to be enough?
When I read the article, I still felt like there was more work to be done. Too many women, both young and old, felt it was OK to endure verbal and physical abuse. Whether it was because they had families that depended on their husbands financial support; or young women who seek out well off men and take the abuse it comes with to sit at the best tables in the local restaurants and clubs
(Click here to read further on money in the Heights).
When you come out to Washington Heights and Inwood; and I only say this because I grew up here; these are the two most familiar stories when it comes to domestic violence. There will always be your batterers who just get a kick out of hitting women. But in most cases, it has to do with money.
In most Dominican households, women work, but men are the breadwinners. For a woman to leave all of that (a man) and survive on a paltry wage with kids is a difficult idea for many to embrace. But don’t get me wrong, there are many examples of Dominican women who fight back. Mostly American born ones who have grown up in a country where the culture preaches its wrong to endure domestic abuse, but its laws don’t really represent that. More on that later.
Largely, in my experience, the majority of the victims are those who come straight from DR at a young age or older Dominican women. Women who don’t have a full understanding of the law and some could be illegal immigrants who fear deportation if they report crimes like these to the police. That’s why some of these women endure the physical and mental abuse, while others fight back. But sometimes, those who fight back, sadly, end up like Glendelis Pagan.
A young 19 year-old mother, who took out an order of protection on her ex-boyfriend three years ago when he attacked her with a hammer. Just last week, she was found dead in the closet of her apartment. Leaving behind a newborn who is old enough to remember her; but not old enough to comprehend death. A death at the hands of a man who murdered her; and proceeded to walk through the neighborhood ( Post, Academy, Nagle) as if nothing happened for hours.
When events like this occur, individuals on the outside take the Rihanna vs Chris Brown approach. They say: ‘What did Rihanna do to him to make him hit her?’ Instead of asking: ‘Doesn’t Chris Brown know that men shouldn’t hit girls?’
This was the overwhelming response from the people on the notorious NY Daily News comment boards. People blaming her for being a young mother; and also accusing her of clubbing while she’s supposed to take care of her child. All of these were assumptions made. But whether those assumptions are correct or not, no one deserves to be murdered.
Its sad, because when events of this magnitude occur in our Dominican community, we tend to brush it off as one ‘crazy’ individual. We put the candles in front of the building, mourn for weeks and wait for the next one to occur. We blind ourselves to what is occurring at our homes, to our friends, and in our neighborhoods. Domestic violence is not a problem in the Dominican community; its a huge problem in the Dominican community.
There can be all the neighborhood groups in the world dedicated to this issue. But frankly, there are two places where this issue can be fixed. First, it all starts at home with Dominican mothers. We need mothers who reject the machismo culture that in ‘most’ cases is part of the Latino package and the overall problem. A full rejection of this and an appreciation of themselves as a whole, and not just their bodies will be the beginning of the change that’s needed.
Self-esteem is a huge issue from young to old in our communities. Too many times, I find “some” Dominican women care more about their bodies than anything else. But, when your going back to the Dominican Republic to have surgery, I feel like most times it isn’t even for themselves, but to be more attractive to their fellow female friends and men. I really do believe that. I’ve seen women get surgery that they didn’t need just to entice men who had money. It’s really sad.
But, at the end of the day, no matter what is done by women all around the community, laws need to change when it comes to domestic violence. Let’s be serious here – orders of protection are useless. Battery should be labeled a crime whether its a small ring around the woman’s eye or she looks like Rihanna in that hospital photo. Its time our politicians, local (Martinez and Espaillat) and in our country, take what’s occuring in our communities seriously. Domestic violence isn’t just a Dominican thing; it happens to everyone across all racial and ethnic backgrounds.
We can’t wait for deaths to happen to call this the ‘Gladys Ricart’ domestic violence law or ‘Glendelis Pagan’ law. We need to take the lead on this so all men know that if you beat on your woman, serious time is in order. And these laws should not only apply to American citizens, but everyone living in this country, legal or not.
There were over 600 daily incidents of domestic abuse in NY City last year. There has been a 90% increase in police calls for domestic violence since 2002. The NY Domestic Abuse Hotline receives close to 400 calls daily on this subject. 118 homicides last year relating to domestic abuse. That, my friends, is way too much.
In final, too many women in this country are married to men everyday who have abused them or have shown signs that they are capable of doing so in the future. On their wedding days, like Gladys Ricart, these women actually think their wearing white. The color every woman is supposed to be wearing on their wedding day. But just like the death of Gladys Ricart in her bridal gown close to a decade ago, all these women aren’t wearing white on their wedding day; their actually wearing red…
*If you are a victim of domestic violence, call 311 and ask for the NYC Domestic Violence Hotline (800-621-4673*
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